he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I just undressed him with my eyes. And gave him a 10 inch penis. I hope its true.
I can't even use my hands i'm so hungover
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
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