No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
i woke up and the dog was eating spaghetti off my chest.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
There's lube and condom packets all over the street we missed something awesome.
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