After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
you missed kickoff and the first round of bodyshots. I suggest you get here now.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
