How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
He wanted a handjob during a John Wayne movie. I just couldn't find it in my heart to disrespect that man. John Wayne that is.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen
That would be so convenient
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
Now he's crying and asking for 'the cameras' to come out. The one cop is laughing
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Please tell your friend to stop shitting in my closet.
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
