I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Casually blacked out last night and apparently told him he couldn't come back to bed until he got me Taco Bell.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
