life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.
I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
I'm going to stop at grocery on the way home. I'm CRAVING wine from a sippy cup. We have neither wine nor sippy cups.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
dude if looks could fuck you two would've been naked in front of everybody
Randomize
