This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
no you cant smoke seaweed
Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
