I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Randomize
