I think my fart just growled at me.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
Two shots of gin says this is gonna be a sloppy lab write up.
I just realized I wasn't at the party anymore. I was just sitting there with a vacuum.
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
My FIANCE just told me he thought you were the prettiest out of all my friends YOU WHORE
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
Randomize
