i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Is it possible to be sexually attracted to someone's hair?
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
That jawline could fucking have its way with me.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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