can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
foreplay: 7 minutes. sex: 3 minutes. cuddling: 10 minutes. getting dressed: 5 minutes. commute: 5 minutes.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Leave it to me and my dad to puke on the same guy at the same bar 25 years apart
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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