Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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