You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
We decided it was a good idea to go streaking through the campus. Everything was fine until the sprinklers turned on and we realized the keys were in his pocket.
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