UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I woke up naked in her room. More precisely, I woke up naked in her room with her and her sister laughing at my penis. I hate my life.
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
