Walking by Farrand Field is better than a porno right now.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I want to apologize 3 days in advance for what's about to take place on St. Patrick's day.
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
In reality u ask do u have beer at your house but what your really saying is will there be cock in my mouth
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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