Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
