I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
My knee is bleeding. This cheeseburger is the 3rd thing I made out with today and I think I got a job with the ducks. Catalina is poppin
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
My face is going numb. I think it's time I call it quits
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