My friends, they love my intelligence
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize
