So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Just had the best random sex ever with a girl I picked up from a pro choice rally uptown. God bless the Democratic National Convention.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Did I try to sell your body for chicken tenders last night?
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
