He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
Is is gay if I donloaded Grinder to see if my roommate is gay?
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
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