I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
The only way i can get arrested is public drunkenness or defacing a national monument. Trust me, i have already looked it up.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
Hey, the point is, I have 3 guys to fuck to get over the last one. It's my golden rule. You told me to find a hobby! It translated as "find another guy".
That is the opposite way I told you to find a hobby.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I just threw up all of my lunch in the Barnes & Nobles parking lot. Rockbottom tastes like a veggie burger, in case you were wondering.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
there is glitter all over my balls
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