i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
