I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
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