Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Just got invited out of group to take shots after hearing her gay friend say "why would I give him my alcohol so you can suck his dick. It's going to be a good night
I would convert to being a Republican and Mormon just to sleep with Romney's sons. The things I would to do them.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
The only words we could get out of him as he stared catatonically into space were "Everyone I know and love is dead"
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