Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol
HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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