i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.
Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Is there such thing as a tasteful dick pic? I think I just got one if they exist.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
