I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!
I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize
