He disabled his match.com account in front of me
How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
If you've never been partying there before, take Shae with you. Drunk Shae is like a GPS. She found us the only bottle shop still open at four, a pot dealer, and told us all which subway to take to get home. She'd never been to Madrid before. It was awesome.
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I'll just tell you, some how when we were having sex on Friday my collarbone got fractured.
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
