I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
Is it bad that I was more upset about not getting the perfume he told me he had bought for me then the actual breakup?
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Bathroom attendant appreciated that hug I have him as a tip. Fucking BROKE these days.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
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