I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
she kept yelling about wanting tacos, so I gave her a piece of bologna in a tortilla. she didn't know the difference
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
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