Yeah...you.wanna.hang.out.tomorrow?My.space.button.is.broken.
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.
I got kicked out of a mexican restaurant last night for being too drunk. This is getting dangerously close to rock bottom
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
