I wish i could put a picture of my ass of my resume...that seems to be the only way i will ever get hired
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
You pole danced in your parka.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Randomize
