i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
