Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
