This is not my ceiling
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
