is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I just took went to the bathroom and it smelt like blue curococo... I didn't flush yet so head on up if you wanna know what a good night smells like.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
