haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
just convinced someone I was a virgin. I love when people don't know me.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
