At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
there is no way he can be that small
look on the bright side he'll over comepensate
dude that girl has seen more cock ends then weekends
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.
A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
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