Is it bad that when I see babies I feel bad for them because its going to be forever until they are 21?
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
So a guy died and our dates revived him with CPR. Good night?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
Its like a glacier coming out of my asshole.
Randomize
