I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
The guy i fucked last week got done first on the test in my 900 person class. If im pregnant at least it will be smart.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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