Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
