There's a woman here that looks like a cross between Michael Jackson and Flipper.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.
Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
Randomize
