Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
There r osticjed everywhere
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
He's hot though. It's not like he JUST got out of prison. That was like months ago
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
They were out of watermelon smirnoff, so we got you a fifth of 5 o'clock and an actual watermelon.
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Randomize
