R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
when i woke up i was missing $380 from my bank account
damn...impressive bar tab
no i guess i bought a gasoline powered blender off ebay, i need a breathalyzer for my computer
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
Randomize
