I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people
I would be honored to be that friend.
Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.
So I feel bad, Ross is asking questions, I think they need to know it's a Spanish lesbian bar
Yeah... I was considering changing that part but the boxed wine is non-negotiable.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
whats our policy on dating high schoolers?
we dont have a policy but im pretty sure the state of michigan does
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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