Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
someone owes me an orgasm
Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
It's like some sort of initiation to finger one of them... so I did it. And got high fived afterwards like a dozen times.
Those were right hand only?
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
You ask to touch his thighs ten times and called them magnificent.....need I say more
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
