I boned her and wore a Freddy mask once. It was pretty lol
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
let's get a trip to cabo together for next spring... they have to have forgotten about me by now
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize