She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?
Smooth sack
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
