I regularly think about how cool your nickname is
You know how my eyes change color? Well I noticed after I hook up with someone my eyes are greener.
Wow, so you're like the Edward Cullen of sluts.
just googled chastity belt to see if it really exist..
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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