I love you
are you drunk
yes but I def love you, we should get married
But I'm Jewish
embrace Jesus
hipster in red sally jessy raphael glasses inside. kick her.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
Randomize
