Trying to find something to do here is like trying to find a vegan resturant in alabama.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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