didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
where did this taco bell managers name tag come from ?
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Randomize
