ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
She sang Bad Romance to me. Not really the answer I was looking for.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
Please. I don't care how shitty his fake life story was. As horny as I was I just wanted the prettiest man possible in case I accidentally got pregnant. He had blue eyes.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
Is there a tactful way to ask "how are your balls?" Or do I just ask point blank
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
