So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
I just put fruit snacks in my sangria instead of real fruit. Its like freshman year all over again..
We couldn't afford sangria freshman year. We're lucky we had fruit snacks..
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Should I apologize for the loud sex I had in his living room? Because I'm not going to.
Definitely not.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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