Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Dude she has a fucking rock collection. Never will I ever talk to her again.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.
i took a picture of my dick. with a stick figure drawn on it. and a paper hat taped to the tip. and i call i the mayor of Dickville
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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