The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
He's a snuggler. Every time I attempt to make a move to find my bra he reigns me in. Needless to say i could be here a while.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
I thought it turned out lovely. You got to see me almost naked and I got to be stoned to the point I was content with
Wtf when were you almost naked??
Randomize
