I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out
He can pick locks you know
That's the reason for the naked stripper
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
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