I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
you kept telling everyone how your ninja turtle shell also functioned as a backpack
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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