she pooped in my shower. pooped. woke me up and said she thought she farted but it wasnt a fart i went back 2 sleep and found it hours later. no longer hooking up w chicks my moms age.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
I peed in front of kids, unfortunately
Randomize
