fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
as soon as you compare a person to an animal, all sexual interest is out the window
awkward like he asked me out for a "rest of the summer make out buddy" thing and I kind of had a female testicle retreat moment
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
drinking out of a sandbucket again
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
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